4. Speak UP. To fuck with not hurting people or being right- nobody cares!
aaarrrghhhh!!!!!! I could blast away walls if I could with my fists in so much frustration over simple things like the above holding me back. May it all change soon...or slowly. Or soon if it can.
5. Banish and abolish all fakeness. All those fake smiles and greetings. LOL. ...maybe this one for later,during the lifetime.
This was to be written when I was back in India, but was held back in the exepctation that things would be different in the US. Expectation that there would be more patient centricity. That there would be less back-biting among professionals. I recently heard a joke -'How do doctors commit suicide---by jumping off their ego'. After spending sometime in here, I concur with this. One would have thought that having to deal with something as blatantly real as death on a daily basis, there would not be any scope for petty egos in this field. But as it happens always, we are always wrong when we expect some idealism sprouting from logic.
Aside from being a completely humbling factor on a basic human level, something as absolute as death should also be dealing doctors a hard blow of defeat day in and day out. As we fight disease everyday, death, as the culmination of that disease and pathologic process gaining victory everyday-there is barely any other way of life where I can think of where you can harbor and grow egos in the face of such daily defeats. Of course, one would need to see things in the perspective aforementioned.
There seems to be another viewpoint to this scenario to be fair to the doctors. Many patients would prefer a doctor who sounds confident to one who is confident but doesn't sound so. Admittedly, perhaps even I myself would like to die at the hands of a doctor who can give me confidence that every effort has been exhausted as a treatment option. I'm guessing I won't care much after I've breathed my last if that confident doc had missed any treatment options or was having any second thoughts about things or was even being sad and feeling helpless to see me go. On the other hand, I'd be dying before I die thinking and hoping and wishing that I get better help if the doctor attending me was to be pondering about newer treatments and experimental treatments-just out of his goodwill and commitment towards medicine or the patients- to keep me alive even though I had no hope in the whole wide world. So, I rake my brains again for another blurry line of life manifesting as this question- Is vanity a bad thing among doctors? or is it necessary? Or is it just an unnecessary convenient extreme of confidence? And why would you expect the doctor to exhibit restraint against indulging in this small guilty pleasure of indulging his egos when the whole world around deals in crookery? Why should you expect him to stop short of vanity and just stay confident for the sole and altruistic purpose of comforting the patient?! ......to end
Starting with good news first. The Drew Carey Show is back on TV with admittedly, quite a few modifications and renamed as Drew Carey's Improv-a-ganza. For me, the old show was a daily supply of funny and a feeling of everything-is-alright-in-the-world about 10 years back when it was being aired in India. The picture is distinct in my mind when I would be in the corner of our living room facing the TV, legs curled up on the wooden chair, breakfast in hands...thirty minutes of being lost in the beautiful and simple show. Day after day of the same discipline filled routine, which would have put any German soccer team to shame. Also, there was a time when even being a huge fan of youtube for all the limitless diversity of its videos, I was convinced of its greatness for the sole reason that it helped me watch those amazing clips from the old Drew Carey Show. It was just a thrilling feeling to find out you can rewatch those comic episodes-as if you had a second chance at your lost love , or life itself(or should the order be reversed). That might sound cheesy but that's exactly how it felt for me. You could not help but marvel at the spontaneity in humor and genius of Colin Mochrie and Ryan Stiles. The others were great too, but these two were beyond compare. The new show has a new format though..with a live audience and different gags, although I must say I miss scenes from the hat the most. Special mention to Jeff Davis, who seems like a worthy successor to the two greats above. Even though I miss the simplicity of the old show(people who know me would know how much I am a sucker for nonchalance and simplicity ), but again, seeing those improvs and the genius being played out..it's like a third chance at life. I just cannot find words to describe how it felt when I heard about this long lost favorite show of mine being revived and aired.
Another matter I wanted to address via this blog was the injustice I feel the film 'Godzilla' has been dealt. It was one of the very first English movies I got to watch, and with all the twists and turns, high dose of action and so many clever repartees,it became an instant favorite. It's never mentioned among any great lists, and ridiculously rated at 4.9 on IMDB. It has single-handedly spoiled that site's credibility for me , although a saving grace was some people on its discussion boards having similar respect for the film as me. A brilliant, fun-filled, popcorn movie and I had to let my feelings out on this one.
And to end, a brilliant joke I came across recently during the IPL2011. One of the originals, the whole situation and how it played out. Adam Gilchrist while keeping wickets for the Punjab team was hit upon his nether regions as he missed catching the ball. As he coughed due to the pain from that kind of hit, the commentators went something like this-1st one: Looks to have hurt him bad and he's coughing them back down. (Without much thought and in a smooth sentence) And as everyone realised what he had uttered the second commentator breaking into a laugh enquires: Is that the general strategy, to cough things down like that when you are hit there? HAHA.
In the last few days, after the cricket world cup has ended, there has been a dominant news item all over. Anna Hazare. I am sure I won't be mistaken in presuming that not many of today's youth or maybe youth outside of the western India knew who he was before this phenomenon he has initiated. It's no secret to any Indian that corruption is omnipresent in this country. A way of life almost..a means of earning our livelihood. Second nature to many. One previous blog earlier where I wrote about how one of my friends-a doctor-had to shell out about 5-10% of his salary each month for no reason to the people who sanction the salaries to get his salary. Some people might try and put a strong front against it during their young and immature years-yea, it's another manifestation of the all pervasive corrupt society that small acts of resisting corruption are termed 'immature'- but then as they grow up into daily chores and stoop under the daily responsibilities, that resistance invariably wilts away. This has been my view of people and society in our country till now in their best possible image. So it came as a pleasant surprise that there was someone who was still able to fight against something so big and evoke a response this large so soon.
Well,that response from people was not much of a surprise. Greed and desire are basic human nature. Wanting a better life is not regarded a crime.There is a middle stratum of society whose subjects are in constant battle with their own conscience while falling prey to both the temptation and ill-effects of corruption in everyday life, in order to earn the luxuries of the world. Most of them would not mind playing the game fair. So it comes as no surprise that people joined the hitherto little known Gandhian,as they found an outlet to all that pent up little volcanoes inside them. And, it is also precisely the reason I won't be surprised if I come to know that majority of the populace joining Mr. Hazare has little knowledge of the Lokpal bill.
Anyways, I wanted to respond to something I saw on the TV via this blog. One of the minority voices against Mr.Anna Hazare was aired briefly saying, as I paraphrase, Anna Hazare's method of reform and protesting is wrong and he should be contesting elections and trying to bring in the change from within the parliament. The gentleman's photo showed him to be a balding middle to elderly aged person. You hear these kinds of principled voices in such contexts from time to time,along-with cliches about our country being the best, our constitution being the best etc. I mean, the concepts of democracy, parliament, our constitution and laws are not some celestial occurrings which are to be taken as granted and can never be changed. They were conceived by us humans after all. And quite clearly and frankly, they haven't worked here. Not in putting the criminals to punishments, not in giving equal opportunities to all people(you musta heard of reservations), not in keeping out corruption etc. So, I say why not an overhaul of the whole system.
It's not that I am advocating such extreme measures. Neither is the ongoing Anna Hazare movement. It was just in response to,as I said patriotic sounding silly cliches with blind and dumb belief in the present system which should not be perceived as being cast in stone. The politicians would have you believe it. I hope we stay strong and bring about the required change this time.
Corruption begets corruption. Policemen, lawyers, doctors, autorickshaws, shop owners and almost everyone nowadays has to pay bribes somewhere along the line of gaining their salaries/jobs. So that disgruntlement obviously will pour onto their customers and so forth. The cycle goes on viciously. Same goes for the politicians. Therefore, my dissent has never been and will not be against the politicians for now. I want an overhaul of the system and I hope the new measures proposed by Anna Hazare will go someway in ensuring transparency in our defunct democracy. Why I choose to call it defunct will take lot more space to explain and it's for another time. For now I only pray for the strength and fortitude for the warriors like Anna Hazare and his followers all over India so they can clean up this country of all its faulty policies and peoples.
The place where I work right now has a tie-up kinda thing with some African countries I hear. And maybe some countries in the gulf too. Really sick patients from their countries are brought here,in India to this hospital for ICU care. One such emaciated patient-he's just bones and skin now-is lying in one of the beds with a ventilator since 3 months. He's a Tanzanian national. My first hand experience of African poverty and destitution. I hear from the consultants that they don't have ICUs in their countries-the rich go to UK and such countries for required medical care. Anyways, this blog is not about him but another little girl lying in another bed unconscious and intubated. All of just 12 years old,she had some kind of bad reaction to an anesthetic drug given to her during a procedure-is what was the preliminary assumption as diagnosis. And so her airways narrowed and she struggled to breathe in air-an act that we all don't even notice but do every second of our lives. 'Fortunately',there are machines and technology and she is revived and intubated to help her breathe,and I hope she does get better but by God, it wrings your heart to see that kid lay there all sedated, struggling from time to time to cough, hands tied to the bed-soft restraints we call 'em- to prevent her disturbing the position of her endotracheal tube. Just 12 years of age, black girl from Oman, with Afro hair in an alien country, not knowing any faces in her room, taking care of her,not understanding the language. That is a life that, with so many thoughts and ideas in her brain-so many more to take birth over the course of her life-all, right now kept alive by the ventilator. It really makes you question the logic of everything that is in existence. Made me even question God for a fleeting fraction of a second.
It got worse. She started coughing while the tube was being suctioned and the tube came out and she had to be re-intubated. This was her third intubation apparently. After settling down,later she briefly opened her eyes and wow, it felt so bad imagining how clueless and helpless she might have felt. I just consoled her back to sleep and tried to instruct her not to struggle out of the restraints. God knows how much she understood-but she did go back to sleep. Like in my Slumdog Millionaire article, this is one another situation where the very very inconvenient question of 'why' can arise-why should she suffer like this, with no proper answer. Or just another frustrating self-loathing,self-pitying denouncement of the human race, but the world goes on. And to think,she will be called the lucky one to have got here and got access to the best available treatment. It sucks. Countless must be dying in poor nations while we read regularly of druglords and warlords use all the money for fighting and weaponry. I am just looking for someone to talk me into finding joy and motivation at little victories like these than to be dejected by thinking of the ones left behind,cos it's quite difficult to be keeping it up by myself. I know such strong people exist and I hope to 'intellectualize' myself and be a positive force against this overwhelming negative force in this world. I was excited about writing about starting work after a long time;the first duty day passed by with a couple of intubations, and I was lazy as usual to write,but this one was something I couldn't let pass so easily. Pray, the girl recovers completely to a healthy, hearty and full life.
Practically speaking, there is no point in being negative. If you think about it, the smallest job is got done by wanting it in your mind/brain and then executing it. Grabbing a remote control, switching on a television set, fetching yourself a glass of water, so on and so forth- all these actions start with forming a positive thought in your neural circuitry which is then executed out. Everything happens in a fraction of a second and thus, it's taken for granted and becomes second nature. Now as the things to do become tougher and more rarefied among the daily life- the thought process takes more time to form the positivity depending on obviously, the failure rate and time taken for the tougher jobs. But then you just have to take a second and look back at the fact that driving is more complex than switching on a fan but it sure becomes second nature soon enough. Just the same way, if you just start doing the more tougher jobs, they may take a longer time, but soon enough, one will master it too. No exceptions. So, this particular situation where I'm at a precipice of hope and effort waiting for my visa is a fascinating one for me where I see 'no point in being positive'. It's different from being negative. Just a delicately balanced place where nothing seems to be a positive or negative step, suspended in a some kind of parallel no-gravity stratosphere. Mind you, it does make me feel sad and helpless most of the time but from time to time, it is also a little interesting to try to see the options to steer this situation somewhere and failing everytime.
Anyways, on one such day I went to the movie Inception,mostly out of respect for genius that is Chris Nolan. Honestly, I lost track of the movie when it went into that snowy place in the last third. I still have a point to argue against the basic plot of the film. Planting an idea into someone. Ideas are born out of reason and motives to an end. If you plant them into someone's subconscious, I don't understand how they are supposed to stay put considering that once you get out of the planting process-dreams while sedated in this movie- you will have the same world and you will have to reason yourself to carry out the original decision instead of following on with the new idea. I have to admit though, that I perhaps understood only 30% of the movie and also didn`t understand in the end if the con was successful. Utter boredom prevented me from rewatching the movie or researching it's story. Still, Dark Knight and The Prestige were too good movies to have dimmed my awe for Chris Nolan even a little. Looking forward to more of his works.
I had a few ideas as to what I wanted to do in life, for fun. Outside of the daily routine, during my leisure time, my 'me' time sometime over the course of my life. Then I came across this movie-The Bucket List, a nice coincidence. A few more added up too and now I think these have concretized into my own bucket list/wish list/things to do list or a combination of all those. I have also been watching a lot of top gear and such shows so a few ideas from there might come in too.
1)Visit the Emirates Stadium-That is easy. As a wish I mean. As a staunch gooner(arsenal fan) all these years, it's on the top of my to-do list as soon as I garner enough money. A month's stay in London with 4-5 matches at the emirates and a couple on the away trip would be quite fulfilling. I don't mind settling in in North London either- in some capacity close to my club! hmm...on to bucket list rather than career discussion..
2)Learn a dozen languages-yup, 12 languages. Words and their usage is endlessly interesting. More languages means more words means more fun and fulfillment. I'll draw the line at 12 though.
3) Visit at least 24 countries-Oh yea. That one's easy too. Traveling is obviously fun. Coming from India, it would be really interesting to see countries like Malta, Austria and such European countries, for example which would have populations not exceeding small states or large cities of India, or the various cultures and people of Latin america, Europe, Africa. Needless to talk about it any more.
4)Get a letter published in The Hindu- I have harbored this wish since my childhood and it's chances have only been dwindling ever since. More time on the internet, lack of opinions on news, etc ., many such reasons are causing it. But in a corner of my heart, this wish continues to spark from time to time. The 3-4 letters published in the local Deccan Chronicle have not helped an iota in quenching it. Glad to see The Hindu retain proper class and decorum to it's letters to the editor section throughout it's various changes to the newspaper.
5)Learn to fly a plane. I'm only guessing, but the speed and solitude of the skies make this one an automatic choice,no?
6)Grow a 6/8 pack for sometime- Every guy would take it if possible.
7)Make friends with a fellow passenger during a flight and maintain the friendship with regular correspondence and holiday visits- This almost happened when I struck a conversation with this Scot on my last trip to US. We just got hurried into the immigration area, just short of exchanging contact info.
8)Internship in a car garage- For a month. Part time or full time. After my studies end, or fall in track somewhere. This one is quite exciting.
9)Learn to play 2 musical instruments at least.
10)Convert an atheist- Most of them atheists talk a lot of rubbish. I wish to at least convince one atheist that most of their arguments are just a cowardly excuse.
11)A roadtrip- No, make that 2. Or 3. And this is happening too. Met a guy on orkut sometime back. Good man and similarly passionate about roadtrips. So again, as my career streamlines a bit, I hope this one materializes.
12)Learn photography-just basic stuff. Clicking pictures can be very creative.
13)Earn a degree completely unrelated to my vocation- no idea what degree for now, but then that IS the point,no.
14)Learn as much radiology as can be and all there is to learn about that branch, with degree or without- Curiosity has become me and well, all my 'why's and 'how's in the hospital and clinical settings seem to have the answer in radiology. It just gives me a kick when I find the logical solution to a problem with a proof and radiology is the perfect cure for that. Always been envious of the old timer docs who could satisfy themselves by confirming things on imaging studies; they are good at both of them.
15)Say no and fuck off to a pretentious, condescending, self obsessed, insecure, desperately fake idiot I know. Let go off all the manners and reservedness and let one rip!
16)Reciprocate an air-hostess' kindness-Now, I'm a guy that loves the old fashioned elaborate manners and etiquette among normal everyday people. And nowadays, so many things to acquire in this world have left people with no time for the aforementioned traits to develop in them. So, I find those qualities only in the flight attendants. And eats me up everytime I get serviced pleasantly or watch others being serviced without a kind word in return towards the hosts except for the 'thank you'.-(Even though it's their job). Surely, a compliment would go along way in taking care of this wish. A good conversation appreciating them would be great.
Hard as it may be to believe, but the fact that many of them are so pretty has got no bearing in this wish. That would make a whole different item on the list.
17)2016 Brazil olympics- Heard a lot about the country being fun, and 2016 should bean amazing time to be there.
18)Wanna ride shotgun in a car with a dirt racing professional- Since I saw this guy doing this amazing drive on top gear.
19) Visit few specific places on the world map--We used to have a globe when I was a kid and places like Japan, Chile, New Zealand, Fiji islands, Madagascar,Tunisia etc seemed like some corners of the world. It'd be amazing to visit them and tick off this childhood fantasy.(This is in addition to the 24 countries thing)
20)Build a hospital or something with no costs to patients- Looks like the charity thing finally crept in. But no, I would like this just cos it is an interesting thing. Nothing noble about it for me. Used to be a big time aim when I was naive and younger. Doesn't seem much point in things now after meeting all kinds of practical people in life. (Don't try to understand). Charity is becoming an abstract concept to me.
21)Destroy an apple product on the first day of it's hyperbolic release.
22)Take care of someone-and I mean, really take care of someone and make them happy. Mean something to them. Care for them and really mean good for them. -Something along those lines. I'll know when I see a content smile or hear a word of love or gratitude and I'll k now when to tick this off.
Could be a momentary gesture or might entail taking care of them for a prolonged period.(Doesn't include taking care of a patient).
23) MHC.
A couple more like owning a plush car or two(that makes it a couple) are kinda far below on the list. Wouldn't care much about them.
The list should expand a bit depending on what new things I come across in life. I do hope and pray that I stay away from the relentless competition to no end as a routine and be able to give time for myself and find joy and contentment in completing as many things in this list as I can. Everyone should, in my opinion. So, if any rich, heirless barons are on their deathbeds with terminal conditions( like jack nicholson in The Bucket List) I'd be too happy to go and take the bed next to them.
Having a good bunch of friends wishing good for you, and you wishing good for them, meeting them regularly, having nice fun is an eternal favorite though. Let alone topping the list,that could easily substitute for all of the above. But then, the world of grown ups is too ambitious and self absorbed to have such expectations of it.(I didn't even feel this worth mentioning in the first draft. Another abstract and distant concept if you might.Had to add this one in in the edit.)
As I end, I'd like to hail God cos He rocks for creating this thing called humor which allows us to laugh at our miserable f***** lives.
Update: I was suggested this movie Bed of Roses. The movie itself can be categorized from a decent rom-com to as little-girly-cliche movie as one can get, but within the first few minutes it gave me my perfect idea for a vocation. It's sort of a mix between number8 and number 22 above and made perfect sense to what I'd love. So many random people and so many genuine smiles you could elicit during that first few moments after delivering them flowers. You don't know the people so you don't know their vices nor judge them at that point. Maybe I could even make a collage of people and their reactions. Someday, definitely. Dream job.
