More questions...

Had a patient today. Lost her mom at 6. Was raised by a grandmother, who's now suffering from cancer. Got addicted to heroin. Brothers in jail. Has kids, and pleads with us to let her go for a few hours so she can take care of some family business involving some trouble the kids are in at school.
Dismiss her as someone who is just addicted to something and is making excuses for it? Dismiss her as someone who is trying to lie to you? Dismiss her as someone who cannot be helped?
All three can be as easily answered YES. As easy as making a guy trust you, or fall for you. (Inside joke,black humor). But take a step back. Take a second to think. Put your vanity and pride aside and look beyond her trying to con you.
This is a human life we are trying to deal with and fix. Hard to accept, but just like you and me. One and all. Less fortunate. Once again, as I always say, imagine ourselves in that situation. Imagine growing up like that. Without a family stabilising you at every hard decision you had to make. Having to possibly visit your loved ones in jail. No education. No idea or concept of right or wrong. More distinctly, an absolute and completely different principle to life than us. To have to sell yourself for some drugs, or to get by, and not feel anything about it. I would say you have won half the battle against the world's vices if you can even fathom the distance between her life and yours.
Thus starts the turmoil again, of questions. This is a human life. How can it be so random? I know people who have every aspect of their life regulated by their loved ones towards 'success' and 'happiness'. How does this planet accomodate such bloody extremes? ....will finish soon.

That's about that. The second issue is with these people who cannot for one minute sympathise with such people.

For now, I just need some happy, simple people in my life...pray. Like that happiest kid in the pic above.

All that skiing and golfing and huge tv does seem to help!! So for someone who said money can't buy happiness, I'd say I'd rather be sad in a ferrari than a toyota. And you can't spread happiness if you don't cultivate happiness in yourself, it being a state of mind and all that... will surely finish soon!!!!!

Don't you just...

...love air travel! A change from the routine, all sorts of new people , no expectations from anyone, unlimited fakeness.
Alright, to avoid a quick end to this one, let me expand the above a little.
A change from routine: Especially on long trips, you have the whole trip to yourself. If you can muster it, solitude even.Both the to and fro destinations are filled with people or work or expectations, but the journey itself--status staticus(solemn static state I mean).
New people: obvious.
Unlimited fakeness: The same fakeness that you are served everyday seems nice when served on a short term, if you know what I mean. The air-hostesses and the hosts in particular...politeness and grace is a thing of the past, they have to overdo things. Well, who can blame anyone as that is all you find everywhere else. But as always, credit where it's due-This particular Etihad crew was just polite with just the appropriate camaraderie,bless them. One small bunch of passengers did get excited and would make up every little excuse to make up conversations with them at the back. When I asked the host if they were creating the turbulence on purpose so that the dudes would get back to their seats, sure enough he said that he wished the turbulence stayed all through the flight duration...lol.
So with all this going on, you don't have any expectations from anyone, no buildup of trust ,no bullshit. Almost a microcosm of life itself- you live alone and you damn sure die alone-quoting Dr. Cox from Scrubs.
The chickenburger from McDonald's at AbuDhabi airport was scrumptious btw,. I don't get to savour it in US for lack of halal meat.

One other issue, one which I'm a tad passionate about, busting cliches. "The silent ones are the ones who are more dangerous and to be careful with" or something like that. Borrowing another line from Scrubs- 'People are bastards coated bastards with bastard filling' that includes all people, silent and non-silent. So, it's just crazy to single them out. If I'm being polite I'd say they are humans too and they have the same sins among them as the others so it'd be you who needs to smarten the fuck up. And if I'm being blunt I'd say Smarten the fuck up you dumb pieces of you know what, cos at least the silent ones have the dignity to not justify their vices, to keep things under wraps knowing that wrong is wrong and are most likely in a state of internal struggle unlike the other group who go around happily doing all they want and also are easily adjusted and ego-syntonic with themselves. So next time you wanna utter some dumb cliche like that, think once more if you can, do everyone a favor and shut the fuck up!

Things to do

1. Get rid of the 'introvertishness'

2. Stop being so fricking shy!

3. Quit being lazy!!!

4. Speak UP. To fuck with not hurting people or being right- nobody cares!

aaarrrghhhh!!!!!! I could blast away walls if I could with my fists in so much frustration over simple things like the above holding me back. May it all change soon...or slowly. Or soon if it can.

5. Banish and abolish all fakeness. All those fake smiles and greetings. LOL. ...maybe this one for later,during the lifetime.

Is vanity a sin among doctors?

This was to be written when I was back in India, but was held back in the exepctation that things would be different in the US. Expectation that there would be more patient centricity. That there would be less back-biting among professionals.
I recently heard a joke -'How do doctors commit suicide---by jumping off their ego'. After spending sometime in here, I concur with this. One would have thought that having to deal with something as blatantly real as death on a daily basis, there would not be any scope for petty egos in this field. But as it happens always, we are always wrong when we expect some idealism sprouting from logic.

Aside from being a completely humbling factor on a basic human level, something as absolute as death should also be dealing doctors a hard blow of defeat day in and day out. As we fight disease everyday, death, as the culmination of that disease and pathologic process gaining victory everyday-there is barely any other way of life where I can think of where you can harbor and grow egos in the face of such daily defeats. Of course, one would need to see things in the perspective aforementioned.

There seems to be another viewpoint to this scenario to be fair to the doctors. Many patients would prefer a doctor who sounds confident to one who is confident but doesn't sound so. Admittedly, perhaps even I myself would like to die at the hands of a doctor who can give me confidence that every effort has been exhausted as a treatment option. I'm guessing I won't care much after I've breathed my last if that confident doc had missed any treatment options or was having any second thoughts about things or was even being sad and feeling helpless to see me go. On the other hand, I'd be dying before I die thinking and hoping and wishing that I get better help if the doctor attending me was to be pondering about newer treatments and experimental treatments-just out of his goodwill and commitment towards medicine or the patients- to keep me alive even though I had no hope in the whole wide world. So, I rake my brains again for another blurry line of life manifesting as this question- Is vanity a bad thing among doctors? or is it necessary? Or is it just an unnecessary convenient extreme of confidence? And why would you expect the doctor to exhibit restraint against indulging in this small guilty pleasure of indulging his egos when the whole world around deals in crookery? Why should you expect him to stop short of vanity and just stay confident for the sole and altruistic purpose of comforting the patient?! ......to end

Just another post

Starting with good news first. The Drew Carey Show is back on TV with admittedly, quite a few modifications and renamed as Drew Carey's Improv-a-ganza. For me, the old show was a daily supply of funny and a feeling of everything-is-alright-in-the-world about 10 years back when it was being aired in India. The picture is distinct in my mind when I would be in the corner of our living room facing the TV, legs curled up on the wooden chair, breakfast in hands...thirty minutes of being lost in the beautiful and simple show. Day after day of the same discipline filled routine, which would have put any German soccer team to shame. Also, there was a time when even being a huge fan of youtube for all the limitless diversity of its videos, I was convinced of its greatness for the sole reason that it helped me watch those amazing clips from the old Drew Carey Show. It was just a thrilling feeling to find out you can rewatch those comic episodes-as if you had a second chance at your lost love , or life itself(or should the order be reversed). That might sound cheesy but that's exactly how it felt for me. You could not help but marvel at the spontaneity in humor and genius of Colin Mochrie and Ryan Stiles. The others were great too, but these two were beyond compare.
The new show has a new format though..with a live audience and different gags, although I must say I miss scenes from the hat the most. Special mention to Jeff Davis, who seems like a worthy successor to the two greats above. Even though I miss the simplicity of the old show(people who know me would know how much I am a sucker for nonchalance and simplicity ), but again, seeing those improvs and the genius being played out..it's like a third chance at life. I just cannot find words to describe how it felt when I heard about this long lost favorite show of mine being revived and aired.

Another matter I wanted to address via this blog was the injustice I feel the film 'Godzilla' has been dealt. It was one of the very first English movies I got to watch, and with all the twists and turns, high dose of action and so many clever repartees,it became an instant favorite. It's never mentioned among any great lists, and ridiculously rated at 4.9 on IMDB. It has single-handedly spoiled that site's credibility for me , although a saving grace was some people on its discussion boards having similar respect for the film as me. A brilliant, fun-filled, popcorn movie and I had to let my feelings out on this one.

And to end, a brilliant joke I came across recently during the IPL2011. One of the originals, the whole situation and how it played out. Adam Gilchrist while keeping wickets for the Punjab team was hit upon his nether regions as he missed catching the ball. As he coughed due to the pain from that kind of hit, the commentators went something like this-1st one: Looks to have hurt him bad and he's coughing them back down. (Without much thought and in a smooth sentence) And as everyone realised what he had uttered the second commentator breaking into a laugh enquires: Is that the general strategy, to cough things down like that when you are hit there? HAHA.

A pleasant surprise:Anna Hazare

In the last few days, after the cricket world cup has ended, there has been a dominant news item all over. Anna Hazare. I am sure I won't be mistaken in presuming that not many of today's youth or maybe youth outside of the western India knew who he was before this phenomenon he has initiated. It's no secret to any Indian that corruption is omnipresent in this country. A way of life almost..a means of earning our livelihood. Second nature to many. One previous blog earlier where I wrote about how one of my friends-a doctor-had to shell out about 5-10% of his salary each month for no reason to the people who sanction the salaries to get his salary. Some people might try and put a strong front against it during their young and immature years-yea, it's another manifestation of the all pervasive corrupt society that small acts of resisting corruption are termed 'immature'- but then as they grow up into daily chores and stoop under the daily responsibilities, that resistance invariably wilts away. This has been my view of people and society in our country till now in their best possible image. So it came as a pleasant surprise that there was someone who was still able to fight against something so big and evoke a response this large so soon.

Well,that response from people was not much of a surprise. Greed and desire are basic human nature. Wanting a better life is not regarded a crime.There is a middle stratum of society whose subjects are in constant battle with their own conscience while falling prey to both the temptation and ill-effects of corruption in everyday life, in order to earn the luxuries of the world. Most of them would not mind playing the game fair. So it comes as no surprise that people joined the hitherto little known Gandhian,as they found an outlet to all that pent up little volcanoes inside them. And, it is also precisely the reason I won't be surprised if I come to know that majority of the populace joining Mr. Hazare has little knowledge of the Lokpal bill.

Anyways, I wanted to respond to something I saw on the TV via this blog. One of the minority voices against Mr.Anna Hazare was aired briefly saying, as I paraphrase, Anna Hazare's method of reform and protesting is wrong and he should be contesting elections and trying to bring in the change from within the parliament. The gentleman's photo showed him to be a balding middle to elderly aged person. You hear these kinds of principled voices in such contexts from time to time,along-with cliches about our country being the best, our constitution being the best etc. I mean, the concepts of democracy, parliament, our constitution and laws are not some celestial occurrings which are to be taken as granted and can never be changed. They were conceived by us humans after all. And quite clearly and frankly, they haven't worked here. Not in putting the criminals to punishments, not in giving equal opportunities to all people(you musta heard of reservations), not in keeping out corruption etc. So, I say why not an overhaul of the whole system.

It's not that I am advocating such extreme measures. Neither is the ongoing Anna Hazare movement. It was just in response to,as I said patriotic sounding silly cliches with blind and dumb belief in the present system which should not be perceived as being cast in stone. The politicians would have you believe it. I hope we stay strong and bring about the required change this time.

Corruption begets corruption. Policemen, lawyers, doctors, autorickshaws, shop owners and almost everyone nowadays has to pay bribes somewhere along the line of gaining their salaries/jobs. So that disgruntlement obviously will pour onto their customers and so forth. The cycle goes on viciously. Same goes for the politicians. Therefore, my dissent has never been and will not be against the politicians for now. I want an overhaul of the system and I hope the new measures proposed by Anna Hazare will go someway in ensuring transparency in our defunct democracy. Why I choose to call it defunct will take lot more space to explain and it's for another time. For now I only pray for the strength and fortitude for the warriors like Anna Hazare and his followers all over India so they can clean up this country of all its faulty policies and peoples.

P.S. Hope no IPL disrupts this movement.

It sucks!(My second duty day)

The place where I work right now has a tie-up kinda thing with some African countries I hear. And maybe some countries in the gulf too. Really sick patients from their countries are brought here,in India to this hospital for ICU care. One such emaciated patient-he's just bones and skin now-is lying in one of the beds with a ventilator since 3 months. He's a Tanzanian national. My first hand experience of African poverty and destitution. I hear from the consultants that they don't have ICUs in their countries-the rich go to UK and such countries for required medical care.
Anyways, this blog is not about him but another little girl lying in another bed unconscious and intubated. All of just 12 years old,she had some kind of bad reaction to an anesthetic drug given to her during a procedure-is what was the preliminary assumption as diagnosis. And so her airways narrowed and she struggled to breathe in air-an act that we all don't even notice but do every second of our lives. 'Fortunately',there are machines and technology and she is revived and intubated to help her breathe,and I hope she does get better but by God, it wrings your heart to see that kid lay there all sedated, struggling from time to time to cough, hands tied to the bed-soft restraints we call 'em- to prevent her disturbing the position of her endotracheal tube. Just 12 years of age, black girl from Oman, with Afro hair in an alien country, not knowing any faces in her room, taking care of her,not understanding the language. That is a life that, with so many thoughts and ideas in her brain-so many more to take birth over the course of her life-all, right now kept alive by the ventilator. It really makes you question the logic of everything that is in existence. Made me even question God for a fleeting fraction of a second.

It got worse. She started coughing while the tube was being suctioned and the tube came out and she had to be re-intubated. This was her third intubation apparently. After settling down,later she briefly opened her eyes and wow, it felt so bad imagining how clueless and helpless she might have felt. I just consoled her back to sleep and tried to instruct her not to struggle out of the restraints. God knows how much she understood-but she did go back to sleep.
Like in my Slumdog Millionaire article, this is one another situation where the very very inconvenient question of 'why' can arise-why should she suffer like this, with no proper answer. Or just another frustrating self-loathing,self-pitying denouncement of the human race, but the world goes on. And to think,she will be called the lucky one to have got here and got access to the best available treatment. It sucks. Countless must be dying in poor nations while we read regularly of druglords and warlords use all the money for fighting and weaponry.
I am just looking for someone to talk me into finding joy and motivation at little victories like these than to be dejected by thinking of the ones left behind,cos it's quite difficult to be keeping it up by myself. I know such strong people exist and I hope to 'intellectualize' myself and be a positive force against this overwhelming negative force in this world.
I was excited about writing about starting work after a long time;the first duty day passed by with a couple of intubations, and I was lazy as usual to write,but this one was something I couldn't let pass so easily. Pray, the girl recovers completely to a healthy, hearty and full life.